A diary written by MasterMarc and Slave Stephan (2005). Here you can find Part 2 | Part 1.
Master: Difficult Days
At some time or another it had to happen – the crises??? of sense of the slave. The last weekend was colored by it. On Saturday afternoon I woke up, untied the chain of the slave and let him slip into my bed. We cuddled, and I let him spoil me, and just used him a little bit. He felt well. After that, an intense day of cleaning was on his schedule. He was forced to get my whole apartment to be sparkling clean.
While cleaning the floor wet or with the vacuum sweeper, it was for sure taboo to stand and walk. How it is a commandment, the slave did it on his knees. I was rather contented with the result of the slave’s job.
After cleaning the apartment I had to acquit a familiar date. Though I wanted to use the hog afterward, he was allowed to stay in the bathroom and clean himself carefully while I was with my family. That means to empty and rinse his colon, to take a shower and shave his whole body. Normally a slave is never allowed to close a door behind him in my apartment, because especially the deprivation of the self-determined privacy is in my opinion an important part in the life of a slave. Today I locked the hog up in the small bathroom. Though visiting my family can take some hours, I gave the leather-handbook to the hog in the bathroom. As I came back home and unlocked the bathroom, I found the hog kneeing on the bathing-mat, reading in the handbook. I put him on his collar and the cuffs again. In addition, I put him on a leather-mask with gag, closed the patches and deposited him in the cage.
Suddenly the doorbell was ringing. A dear friend was visiting me. We have been talking for a while as my friend, too, in the last time had been interested in SM – the more information he got about SM, the intenser his interest was – he wanted to see the hog, who was kneeing in the cage. Me myself, I’m handling my SM-preference very open. As I don’t tell everyone that I’m gay, not everyone has to know, that I’m into SM. But my friends (if hetero or gay, if vanilla-sex-fans or SM-freaks), and people who are asking me about, know about my preferences. For sure, I enjoy, that I don’t look like the stereotype of a gay SM-master. But concerning this case, I just can say: “Still waters run deep!”
After my friend has left, I had to go out for half an hour, too. The piece of mud stayed in the cage while that. After my return, I began to prepare dinner. As I love to cook, and these pursuits is a creative alternation to my week-day, it is a job, that I unwillingly cede to slaves. I prepared my plate and also filled the trough with the slave. Before I took place, I fetched the slave out of the cage, and we had dinner together. Me sitting on the table, the cur beside the table on his knees on the floor. After dinner, I took place in the living-room to watch TV, and let also the slave a bit of time to digest, because after that 50 slashes have been on the program. I knew, that he was waiting for them with passion, but has huge respect of them too. Therefore, I postponed that action, so he could live to see the situation in his thoughts and senses again and again in advance. This mixture of feelings from positive expectation and healthy fear is an important point in training a slave.
The slave was tight up with chains on arm and legs between two walls. Now he was brave, waiting in cute X-position. This position, like on the cross but without the selfsame pleases me much more, because the slave is standing open in the room and accessible from both sides, without being “protected” by a wood-cross. A black silk-sack over his head and a rubber-gag in his mouth injured perception of the piece of mud. I fetched five different instruments for punishment from my collection and laid them over the shoulder of the slave. The first instrument was a broad leather-belt, followed by three lashes with different kind of leather-quality (from soft to hard leather) and finally the cane. You felt and saw the tension, but also the fear of the slave, as I took the lashes from his shoulders and started to caress him with the belt. I lifted my arm and the first ten passed through slashes with the leather-belt smacked on his ass. Broad red weals, in which the pattern of the holes in the belt were copied, have been glowing up. The slave groaned, and you saw that he tried to step aside from the whacks, what was not possible, because he just could move a few centimeters as he was tied hard. After the first ten slashes I softly squeezed him close to me for a few moments, to show him, that I don’t do that from malignity, but because I like him. After that, I took the first lash in my hand and started to caress him again. In such moments you notice, that the fear is mostly stronger than the pain. The second series of ten slashes found the way to his ass. Countless fine stripes of the lash united to the broad stripes from the belt. After that, the third series with the next lash followed without a break, this time on the back and the upper thighs. The slave was fighting against his tears. I took him into my arms and gave him warmness. Thereby, I noticed, that he wants to have the whole 50 slashes. Would I stop now, I ‘d make him lose a big inward success. I just felt, that the volition to struggle through was much stronger than the fear of the pain, although the two last strong wack-instruments were still standing out. I took the hard leather lash into my hand and lashed on the wall beside the slave. He also tried to step aside from these wacks, though they didn’t touch him at all. You noticed that after each wack, he tried to localize the pain, because his ears signalized him, that he should feel heavy pain. After a few slashes against the wall, the fourth ten slashes followed, again on his back. His reactions became jumpy, more intense. The exertion of his muscles brought the skin nearly to burst, but the chains prevented violent movement. Now he must feel very defenceless. I enjoyed it.
After that, I made the hog again off from his anchoring, and we watched TV a bit together. After a while I chained the hog and ordered him, to make himself ready for fucking on the bed. As I came to the sleeping room a bit later, he grumbled at me. I was astonished because I knew from the preference of the slave to be chained and fucked. There must be something else, that’s the reason for his reaction. We discussed the situation a bit, but with little success. He had to go chained into his cage and spend the night like that.
As I fetched him into my bed the next morning, I still felt a bit of declining. I took him off the chains, and then it started, the big break-down. He began to snarl, to turn from me and to weep. My question, what the reason is, was not answered. So I left the bedroom. After a few minutes, I came back, because the well-being of the hog is really important to me. He cuddled at me and wept, wept, wept. He is missing his friends, he can’t stand it no more, he’s not ready for that yet …
I hugged him and told him, that today, a very normal day is lying ahead. I wanted to show him the city, and he should have the possibility to feel well and to think over the last days. We took a shower together, and he spoiled me by soaping me and carried about my well-being. After that we went to the city and I showed him the old town of Zürich. In the evening, we prepared dinner together, and he was allowed to eat very normal with me at the table. After that, we were watching TV together. It must have been around 9:00 p. m. as he showed his readiness to serve again by himself. Symbolical, I put him on his collar again, and we moved to the bedroom, where I enjoyed it very much to fuck him hard. I love to fuck! For the first time, he smirked while I fucked him, and he was really relaxed during the fuck. I think his trust in my person increased again today. We fell into sleep.
In the middle of the night, I woke up and saw how that little piece of mud was sleeping peaceful, laying on his stomach beside me. His tight ass was presented to me in full splendor and my cock got so hard. I put over a condom, and distributed gel on his slut on a large scale. After that, I started to slide into him gentle and slowly. He was still sleeping and groaned dreaming. It was simply very hot. I started to fuck him. First soft, then the intensity increased. Still, he groaned sweetly to oneself and I noticed, that he started to wake up. More and more violent I fucked his cute tight ass and I enjoyed it to pump my hard cock full of enthusiasm, deeper and deeper inside him. His ass was clapped to my lap more and more violent. It was so cute! After I was satisfied, we slept again, cuddled together.
On Monday, I got up before the hog and made my coffee by myself. I let the piece of mud sleeping a bit longer this day. As he got up later, I told him that he shall shave, rinse and shower himself. As he was ready with that, I spoiled him with a warm glass of cacao. I gave this day to him to think over all the last days since he arrived, and we had a lot of conversation. He was writing into his diary and I worked a bit. All in all, it was a cozy day. Nevertheless, I felt, that internal, he was fighting with a huge conflict. I wanted to give him the time he needed. The conversation which followed again and again was really ok. The night he spent in the cage.
On Tuesday morning, I had to get up early. I woke him up, but he just turned around in his cage. Another resultless try followed. As I was in a hurry, I made my coffee by my own, took a shower and got ready. Before I left, I locked up the cage again.
During the whole morning I had to think about Stephan. I knew, that he is not that far, as he thought before the test. The life as permanent-slave might be in a few years the right way of living for him, but not now. He is very slavish submissive but not in the right situation to live at the moment, in which he can devote himself completely to a master. Stephan had already gone through a lot in his life, and he had experienced many disappointments too. I didn’t want to be another disappointment for him, and so I was waiting for his decision to give up, and I felt, that this point is coming soon.
Yes, in advance, he was a bit tending to cheat. He told, that he had already been serving for a longer time, which was relativizing itself more and more in the conversations we had during the past week. He indeed was living with two “masters”, but they haven’t been really ones. In my opinion, these have been elder men, who enjoyed, to have a young guy with them. For sure there happened a bit of SM in this period, but he never had to feel any consequences. His loss of freedom was minimal during that time. That’s not serving in my opinion. For that, I’ve set master in inverted commas before. I felt, that Stephan needs a man in his life who gives him command but also support, safety and warmness. But I feel that he is not ready to dedicate his life to someone completely. I wait for his breaking off …
At midday, I came home, I released him from the cage and after that we were talking. We decided to break the test off. In the late afternoon, I had a few dates, and after I organized his journey home. Wednesday we spent again together with a sightseeing-tour through the city before he departed in the evening.
Stephan is a lovely human being and I wish all the best for him. I’m sure he will further practice SM, and maybe he will start a life as permanent slave one day. But I think that will take its time. I hope, that the masters, who will welcome him for sessions from time to time, will treat him careful but consequent. I hope they’ll give him the feeling to be a piece of mud, but I hope much more, that the masters in their interior are full of care and caution. That’s what he needs. For my sake, do not disappoint and hurt, that little piece of mud!
Slave: Chores & Punishment
On Saturday, the master woke me up at around midday. As usual, I crawled into the kitchen, to prepare the coffee for the master. As I served him the coffee to his bed, I was allowed to slip in and cuddle a bit with him. Then it started. He fucked me. It was extremely lustful for me, because he is a real great fucker, he fucks persistently and hard.
Then I got the order to clean his apartment. For this work I was allowed to go upright, except when I was cleaning the floor wet and when I was vacuuming, I had to do these two jobs on my knees. As I was ready with cleaning after a few hours, I was allowed to clean, to rinse and to shave myself. I knew, that my master had to go out again today, and I was arrested in the bath-room. After two hours he came back. At this time I was ready with preparing myself for the master, and I was kneeing on the floor and reading in the leather-handbook. He seized me, covered my head with a leather-mask, with patch and gag, put me on the cuffs and locked me into the cage. A bit later, I heard that my master had a visitor. But I couldn’t see anything because of the patch on the mask. I could hear, that my sir was showing me to his guest. It was a strange feeling, to be presented to strangers like an animal in a zoo-cage, as naked and as surrendered as I was. Strange but very lustful.! After a while, my master and his guest left the apartment again. I was still in the cage.
As MasterMarc came back home, he didn’t put me out. Only after one more hour in the cage, I was taken out. He had cooked for both of us and I got a warm, normal meal: rice, with curry-sauce, chicken and fruits. The sir was sitting at the table, I ate beside the table from my trough. Eating such a warm meal from the trough is not that easy, and I scalded my nose two times, as I was pressing my face as deep into the trough.
I knew, that I’d still get 50 slashes tonight. But before, we were watching TV a bit. And finally it was time to start. I was chained like on a cross between two walls. My arms have been as well spread wide as my legs, so I was fixed in X-position. Again I got a gag into my moth and the silk-sack was tilt over my head. The sir left for fetching the utensils for torturing me: one belt, three lashes and one cane. He put all of these instruments over my left and right shoulder, then he took one after the other down from my shoulders and caressed me a bit with it. Then he really started. The first 30 slashes have been more or less innocent, compared to the last 20. I felt each slash and the pain that was connected with them. I love pain. So I really wanted to get these last 20 slashes. It was a brutal, very awful kind of pain, but still very lustful for me. After the last slash, he hugged me for a moment, took some fotos of me and released me. Then I was allowed to watch TV for a while.
Suddenly he stood up to fetch something. He put me in irons like a prisoner. One chain that connected the collar and the cuffs on arms and legs. I also like chains very much, they are cute. Then I had to go to the bedroom, lay myself on the bed on my front side and grease my slut. As he came to the bedroom after a few minutes, too, I was in the pouts and I was grumbling a bit at him. That didn’t please him at all. We had a short conversation on this theme, then I had to go into the cage – my room – and I had to sleep in chains.
Slave: My Crisis
On Sunday, about 1:00 p. m. he took me out of the cage, and I was allowed to come into my master’s bed. I didn’t feel well at all. I wanted to give up and was weeping. I just couldn’t stand the situation anymore. My sir turned the cold shoulder on me at this moment, went out of the bedroom and left me alone in my misery. I went on weeping. After a few minutes, he came back, and we talked while we were cuddling each other. Thereby, he submitted very intense to me. After that, he decided that we will spend our day normally today. He wanted to show me the city. We went for a very nice walk through that very beautiful city Zürich. As we came back home, we prepared dinner together, and I was allowed to have dinner with MasterMarc by sitting with him at the table. After that, we lay down in front of the TV, to watch together.
Around 9:00 p. m. my volition to be a piece of mud began to come back. I was his little hug again. He ordered me to the bedroom, he fucked me hard, and it was the first time that I beamed with joy, while he did it. It was a very lustful feeling and felt well with the intense, to be needed. After watching a bit of TV again, we went to bed. I was allowed to sleep with my master in his bed. Suddenly, I woke up from something. Then I realized, that my sir was already fucking me for a while, during I was sleeping. The feeling to have nothing to decide was very intense at that moment. The wake-up-fuck was lustful, really lustful!
Slave: Report
The week with MasterMarc was very lustful and nice. I got a bit of insight into different things, f. e. how it is to be locked into a cage or to be chained to a wall for hours. Also, eating from the trough was an interesting and cool experience. I also took along very much with me, and I’ll try to enjoy this kind of life to the full. What pleased me especially was the caring of MasterMarc, but also his consequence. All in all, I’m very happy to have been acquainted with MasterMarc. The day as I fell into heavy crises, and we went to the city then, and he showed me Zürich, was a very nice day for me, indeed. As I already said, MasterMarc is a very honest, confident man, and very cautious, too.
Now I get to the point, why I break up the test. At the beginning, I was thinking, “Wow, that’s what you are looking for.”, and it pleased me, although I had my times of misery. I thought over about many things. So my display of feelings came very often and hard, I was not able to go any further, and I noticed, that I’m not ready for a life as permanent-slave. Therefore, I came to the decision, because it would have brought no result, if I had continued, although I don’t want to live as a permanent slave, and MasterMarc would also have been hindered to go any further. Because of my mixed feelings, it was more and more impossible to continue. There have been moments in which I enjoyed it to be tortured, but suddenly I got a bad feeling with it, a kind of blockade. A feeling, that was like that, that I restrained against how MasterMarc has been treating me. Then I just couldn’t stand the situation anymore. I just wanted to run off or to hide somewhere, because I didn’t feel that the situation was lustful anymore. It was simply a feeling like “I don’t want that, and it isn’t lustful anymore!”, but nevertheless it was at no time a feeling of being abused, because it was just not lustful at these moments. I just didn’t want to go on in these moments and as these phases came more and more often – too often – and we didn’t develop, my decision to break up was the best solution, even if I had loved to acquire more experiences. There was something in my brain and in my stomach, that told me: “You are not ready for that, yet.” These feelings have been decisive for my break-up. There has been another feeling, indeed. Nevertheless, I felt very safe and secure at MasterMarc. He gave me the feeling to be safe, even though I didn’t show him that at any time. This master is a real master and not an idiot, urged by his lust. He knows what he is looking for and how he is acting. But nevertheless, it’s not the right thing for me, yet.
Slave Stephan’s Advices for other Slaves
I just can tell every boy, to consider exactly what he is looking for and if he is sure, that he wants to live it and not to hide this part of himself, as I did it for a very long time. It is a part of us, that masochistic part. Now I live it and I enjoy it. It is very lustful to feel pain and to be surrendered. It is not a perverse feeling, it’s normal. Don’t care about others, hear what your hearts are saying and live your fantasies and don’t hide them. That makes you miserable. It is a part of your life. That feeling to take pain upon yourself and to surrender is a feeling of coming true and of passion, not of perversity, what other people, not used to SM, may think or say. That’s not true. Now it’s five years, that I live my secret, my masochistic part. But only since one week I noticed that it’s nothing perverse, but it’s a normal feeling, and it’s lustful. Although I just know that since one week, it is true, this part inside you is there to be lived out and not to hide it and just to wank with these fantasizes. Live them! Be honest to yourselves and concede your passion of pain and to be surrender. It’s nothing bad. At the beginning, you will be thinking about what you are doing from time to time, but after a short time, you will notice, that you want and need it; the pain, to be used, to be surrendered and to serve. It’s a desire that you have, need, and want. I love pain, I love to be used very much. The last four and a half years, I just didn’t want to confess. Now I know, that I need and want it. It is a part of our life, which will always attend you. Be always honest to yourself and don’t play hide and seek, because you think, that you are perverse. Don’t dream it, be it!
