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Kink shame, pride and chastity

To start living the kink desires and needs many feel inside is not so easy for everyone. Today I’m talking with a cute and smart Belgian kinkster who got kink shamed by his partner after he has told her about his desires.

Hi servus domini. I know you got a spike in your wheel as you have realized that vanilla is not enough. But tell us first, for how long have you already been living out your kinky side and how did you come to that?

I knew I had this kinky side already since I was a student in the early 2010’s, but financial reasons and internal shame kept me from exploring. When I found my first partner, I dared to open up but unfortunately got kink shamed and called “sick”, “perverse” and “abnormal”… Unfortunately she was an extremely successful manipulator and I actually believed it and sought help for this “abnormality”. Obviously this didn’t help.

It was only after my breakup in 2018 and the help I sought to find and accept myself things started evolving. I ordered my first chastity cage and oh my god, I felt this was right. A few weeks later I got in contact with my Owners on FetLife and it is with their help I kept discovering new things, gain experience and most of all receive the confirmation that this community is sooo much more than just sex. Despite we have different and busy lives we still have close contact and meetups, both kink related and as part of a strong friendship!

Unfortunately I got kink shamed and called “sick”, “perverse” and “abnormal” …

Uff to get kink shamed is very hard, even more by a person you love. You’ve told us that the girlfriend you have had then (probably we’ve to tell our readers that you’re bisexual) was very good in manipulating you. Can you give us some examples and how did you feel in these situations?

Yeah, indeed; I’m bisexual. What really hurt me in the beginning was that I was really open to her of my sexuality. She knew about it from the start and always claimed to be okay with it. But quite soon after we became a couple she started to change her opinion on the matter and showed signs of not being comfortable with it, avoiding the topic, avoiding the open conversations like we had in the beginning. I still remember one evening when I wanted to talk to her about it since I felt I was pushed into the “straight” direction and tried to explain that my sexuality is not just something you switch of or change when you’re in a straight relationship and it was clear that the world was swept from beneath her feet…

And then when I brought up I wanted to experiment sexually with bondage, she marginalized it. Said it was not ok. And the thing was that right after each time I tried to bring up how I feel about it, that night would end up in a fight with me being send to my own appartment, like it was some kind of Gulag. This kept on for a year or 2-3. She even managed to get me to go to a sexuologist to “help me of my problem”. Soon after she heard that this was obviously not going to have the outcome that she wanted, she kept repeating each fight that what I was feeling and longing for was not ok, not normal; that I was sick and needed help. Each time combined with a fight. And after a while you just… start to believe it because you can’t handle the fights anymore.

thanks to my psychologist and my Owners I started to grow to the person I am now.

It took me over a year (from mid 2018 to mid 2019) to get over that and that there are so many more people like me… And thanks to my psychologist and my Owners who I got in contact with in April 2019, I started to grow to the person I am now.

I work in psychiatry, and yet, it took me 3 full years to accept the fact that my ex-girlfriend had borderline… And I really want to forgive her, but it’s difficult since I still carry the mental scars.

When I dated also… I’ve heard multiple times when I said I was bi “Oh, so the chance of me getting cheated on is double as high” as if it was a certainty that was going to happen. I literally had a girl who said to me “Oh, such a pitty. You are such a fine guy; I thought this time I really found someone”.

But I have incredible supportive friends who encouraged me to not give up, and also don’t ignore that kink side. They’re toooootally vanilla (maybe some handcuffs, but that’s it), but they have a genuine interest in what I do. And I praise myself very lucky with them!

You say that you’re a psychologist AND your owners helped you to become the person you are now. Is it also the person you feel that you are? And can you tell us, how your owners have helped you?

Yeah, true! And I do feel like that. I am a sub person and to me when I’m in my subspace that feels where I belong. I do enjoy vanilla interaction as well, but, I wouldn’t be able to do without kink. My Owners helped me by talking, meeting, gradually playing with each other, and most of all by showing that people who practice kink are not the ones we see in the movies and series; that these are people with respect, values, morals. That people who practice kink don’t live at the edge of society but can be anywho. And most of all, that people who practice kink are way more tolerant to so many things than the average person in this society.

It’s mental, it’s connection, it’s an craving to please and earn that trust, love and orgasm.

You’re so right with what your saying. First tenderness is also part of SM relationships, it is also a desire and a need kinksters have. Second, the kink community is very open nowadays. We have become an open subculture and I’m very happy of that. If I listen to your answers I can read kind of a sub pride between the lines. Is that correct?

That’s absolutely true! For me as a sub, I only enjoy my orgasm when I can please the person who Doms me. That’s why I also value the word “Owner”; this person owns me on a whole other level than “property”. It’s mental, it’s connection, it’s an craving to please and earn that trust, love and orgasm. And yes, off course I like the more “kinkier” things like bondage, edging, since these truly are in my opinion the most intimate and intense sign of a bond with that person, of the trust there is between us. And off course, it also brings me in subspace…

I like the respectful objectification of me as a sub, of the subtile humiliation. I experience it as a way of getting “stripped” of my professional/daily self. I can’t be the scientist who has to take decisions when I’m butt naked and used as a piss whole or when I’m in the middle of a living room serving as an ornament for some close friends of the person Domming me. Does that make sense? 😅

Yes it does. Would you say that to live your kink side has also helped your self-esteem in a positive way?

Most definitely. Even now, when I feel down or get turned down again by someone or it doesn’t work out, I get this reassuring by the kink side and community.

But in general yes… Yes. A good example is the moment I saw the photo René Zuiderveld (Click here to read his introduction and check out some of his work.) took of me with my puppy mask and the one hanging there in my chastity in chains. And even now I remember that feeling of “Yes. Yes, this is it. This is who I am, what I enjoy.” And I wondered why on earth I tried to hide that part of me. I also had this subtle form of body dysmorphia where I compare myself with all these muscle toned hunks, puppies, Doms/Dommes. And then there is… The average slim guy who barely gains any weight. Until I saw the photo where I turn around at the window and I couldn’t believe it was me… That I had this image of myself in my head which is not the reality. So yeah, kink definitely helped me literally see myself and the reality.

Seems that restrictions are one of your main kink. What is the attraction of it?

Absolutely! The freedom. And I know that sounds paradoxal, but you’re free. You don’t have to think what you need to do or how or when. You don’t have to worry that you’re doing it good. You just undergo… And have the bliss that you know you are giving pleasure to another person. And that’s what I really enjoy!

I can give you the psychological explaination about babies who are swaddled to calm down and bondage is basically the same thing. Restiction freedom of movement has a calming effect on restless people. With pain comes pleasure, because it uses chemically related neurotransmitters or even the same neurological pathways!

I know that sounds paradoxal, but Restrictions let Me feel free.

BDSM includes a lot of paradoxes. Pain can be a kind of tenderness, humiliation a kind of positive estimation and loosing liberties can become freedom. That are things that a lot of people who aren’t into kinks don’t understand. If we talk about restrictions then we have also to talk about one of your favourit kinks: Chastity. What is the special attraction of it?

Good question. For me it heightens the appreciation to have an orgasm. Before I met my ex-girlfriend I masturbated daily, sometimes multiple times a day. After we broke up and I’m not in chastity, you can be sure that I start the day with a coffee and a good wank. Haha! Unfortunately, it reduces the orgasm to some sort of banality, a daily thingy. Plus, you only focus on one way of receiving pleasure. When I’m in chastity, it’s sooooo much easier to insert a buttplug or play with my dildo during a nice hot shower then when I’m unlocked.

Plus, I also see it as a way of trust as well… you give your manhood quite literally to your partner. Letting someone else decide when you’re able to cum, hell, even to get hard, is incredible intimate. For me, have a chastity relationship is almost more intimate and significant than a ring on a finger.

What was the longest time you’ve been in chastity?

Euhm, with some moments where I was allowed to cum to relieve pressure; 1 month and 3 days.

Do you have a special goal?

Euhm… I must say I haven’t really thought about that. But I think that will depend on the person I can have a relationship with. With the right person, I think maybe even a permanent chastity would be possible! It’s like a wedding. Haha!

With the right person, I think maybe even a permanent chastity would be possible! It’s like a wedding!

Hehe, that sounds as you’re looking more for male tops atm. 🙂 Or do you think that a girlfriend would be happy with you in permanent chastity? 😉

Ah, but my Owner is female as well. And there are so many more ways you can make a woman cum. I can eat her out, or fuck her with a dildo/strapon. For her, it has a sense of power as well and insurance that she will enjoy the sex. If she didn’t enjoy, I am not allowed to cum. So I will do my very best to please her and will even be disappointed when I failed to do so.

And obviously, a nice reward for me would be to be allowed to be unlocked and fuck her; Again, like she wants. Gentle, rough…

You are talking about your owner but as much as I know you’re just temporary possession until you’ve found a Dom for a D/s relationship. What kind of “slavery” and what kind of Dom are you looking for?

That’s indeed correct. I’m looking for someone firm, yet compassionate. Someone who doesn’t cross my borders, but helps me expand them. Somewone who can put me in my place and know what kind of humiliation I like, and yet is someone who you’d take home to your parents. I’m not into findom or the “you are nothing, I’m everything” kind of domination. It can be heavy, it can be intense, but someone who would also give me a nice cuddle afterwards. Someone who can say “you’re not allowed to cum for 3 weeks” but gently spoons with me in bed.

Do you want just the sexual domination or also in daily life?

No, only sexual domination. I do appreciate some firm “guidance”, but I only like to be objectified/humiliated in a sexual way and not a personal way.

Good to know. 🙂 Last but not least, what are you missing during these strange Covid times and what are you looking forward to be able to do after the pandemic?

I miss the carelessness. I want to meet with Rene for example, but can’t since I’m not allowed to leave the country. I want to meet people, explore my newly found self, discover new things. I would love to go to Darklands which is litteraly 30 minutes from where I live.

But I miss cuddles the most… I think after COVID I will cuddle the hell out of someone to afterwards get my but spanked, ass stuffed or cock teased until I beg to cum and then most likely cuddle some more. Hahaha!

servus domini


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