When I first began my journey of kink, I knew deep within me I had a natural instinct and craving to serve others.
As many often see this as a sign of submission, for me it served me well when I would dominate others too.
Often this is where the first issues come into play, especially as a young kinkster just starting out.
If you are anything like I was, my only education at the time was the fantasy I saw in porn.
Elegant photos and videos depicting scenarios beyond our imagination.
I was convinced these subs have lived in a cage for years, only being fed from a dog bowl.
To follow blindly any command my dominant wanted, assuming they knew what was best for me. Each session became uncomfortable, my body more tense than the last. Sleepless nights in a bed with someone telling me how good I was doing, when really, I was left feeling violated and unsatisfied.
I thought it is fair to sacrifice my body for these new experiences but did not understand how my body deserved pleasure as well.
I PUSHED MYSELF TO DO THINGS BEYOND MY ABILITY OR EVEN FETISH IF IT MEANT FULFILLING MY ROLE AS A “SUB”.
Walking away and lessons learned
I have had to walk away from many negative kink relationships as well as good ones, and over time that taught me a lot about myself. And I want to give what I learned to others. So here are 3 main lessons and rules I use for myself when engaging in play. These have given me trust within others and myself. These not only keep me safe when engaging in play, but also have helped me accomplish more than I would have ever imagined.
1. Learn and know your limits
Part of exploring and entering in dynamics where you are willfully giving or taking someone’s power, consent and understanding are things that must always be discussed before any sort of play can begin. What activities are off limits for you? Be specific.
Just because you think it isn’t something the other person is interested in does not mean it will never come up in play.
A person can say he isn’t interested in breath play, but maybe he’ll still hold his hand over your mouth and nose to keep you from moaning too much or just cause he thought it fits the play circumstances. If you know you do not like or panic during that, flogging, needle play, or impact etc. these are things that should be laid out beforehand. Consent and Conversation are so important in this kind of play and should not be overlooked even if it’s not the most enjoyable part of planning elaborate play scenes.
2. Set boundaries for yourself and stick to them
I more than anyone has been guilty of doing something I did not want or was beyond my own limitation in order to have sex. Yet when I left those sessions, I felt more damaged than free. It is important to know where to guidance draw lines for yourself for that not to happen. If you only are comfortable with condom usage don’t let someone talk you out of it. If you aren’t ready to play over a certain extent with someone new, or are the kind that needs a break at time, don’t let a guy push you into a negative session. Some people are able to handle 24/7 power dynamic play, others for only a few short hours. Know your ability and find someone who respects it.
If someone cannot respect your “No” especially as a Submissive then they are not worth your time.
Your body and mind will thank you. It is okay to journey and discover your likes and dislikes, but you never owe anyone anything beyond your boundaries. As much as we might hate to admit it, the submissive still holds the power to start and stop a scene.
3. Trust your body and vocalize your needs
Your instinct can be your greatest asset in kink relationships. The submissive, or one giving up power, draws the line and creates the box in which others are invited to play in. If you are anything like me during play the only word I know is more. Yet when I am focused on my body during sessions of play even with myself, I know exactly what I need. As someone who has a love for yoga and meditation, submission is another form of body awareness for me.
When I am bound, I am sensitive to each part of me. I am able to control my breathing, spot the difference between pain and tension, and Tightness and pain. When I try to ignore these warning signals, play is never enjoyable. My mind and body tenses, getting fingered is suddenly my worst nightmare, no fist seems comfortable, each strike of the whip or slap of the hand rings so much stronger, my body is almost denying everything that comes my way.
When I am in tune however, the “more” I am always asking for can be archived. Deeper and harder always leaving me wanting more, rather than a panicked mess waiting for release.
Trust yourself, be present with your body and you may be surprised where it will take you.
These lessons came after years of exploring different styles of Domination, submission, and types of lube. I offer these to you for your playground. Take power within your journey, explore the limits of what you like and do not like, what is too hard, and not hard enough. These limits are about keeping yourself safe, and your body and mind connected. Sonner or later you may find yourself achieving more than even you thought was possible.
