Go West – Even if the pet shop boys music video (a cover version of the Village People song), which has been produced in the early nineties, suggest that it is about people of communistic countries joining the free world, it was originally thought as advice for gay people in the U.S. to leave their petit bourgeois villages and go to San Francisco, because life is peaceful there. Yes, San Francisco has an extraordinary reputation in the gay world and I don’t have to remind the Folsom Street Fair to make clear, that it is also a very special place in the kink world.
Today I’ve a Californian boy with me. He has grown up in the provincial Santa Cruz Mountains and moved to study to San Francisco. Let’s see what kind of kinkster the big city has made out of the innocent country boy.
Hi Nate (21), you didn’t have to go west to reach San Francisco. For you, it was the north who brought sexual liberty to you. But to be honest, you don’t look innocent. Have you always been the dirty-minded boy you are now, or is that what the city has made out of you in just three years?
Well, while I did grow up in an environment that some would call very much sheltered or isolated, I don’t think that the city changed me too much. I’ve always considered myself an adventurous person. Maybe a bit cautious and questioning, but I’ve always been down to try something once, maybe twice! I believe that, especially from a young age, growing up in the rural redwoods instilled that in me. Being able to go out and roam for miles (without much more guidance than the trails that the deer left as they foraged) gave me the ability to take my desire for exploration into my own hands.
I think that moving to the city did for me what many people move to the city to have, a breadth of opportunity. I don’t think that I was ever an innocent boy, and when such a large bounty of sexual situations opened themselves up in a city like San Francisco, it would be a waste not to dive into as many things as one can!
Hehe, you’re right. We live in a multi option society, and we would be boring and stupid not to enjoy the possibilities we have. But before we talk about the city life, we’ve to talk about the kink life you’ve had before. Have you known while you lived in the mountains that you’re a kinkster?
I was thankful to grow up in a household that was very supportive of not only gay people, but the larger queer umbrella. Because of this, I don’t remember there being a large amount of personal strife when I started to notice that I was attracted to guys. I also think that the fact that I had genuine attraction to girls also aided in the ease of my coming out. I now identify as pansexual and don’t try to dwell too much on labels.
I also had a very devil-may-care attitude in high school, and spoke my mind and feelings without much care as to what it would do to my social reputation. As for kinks, I have a lot of formative memories that I now tie to deviant desires I have as an adult. My bedroom had three very large windows that looked out on the property. When it got dark, these windows would turn into semi-mirrors due to the light differential from outside and in. I remember masturbating in front of these windows. While watching myself do that embarrassing act, I would also fantasize about an audience beyond the windows. I could not see them, but they were watching my every move.
While watching myself do that embarrassing act, I would also fantasize about an audience beyond the windows.
In addition to that, I spent a lot of time out in the woods stripping down and playing with myself, thinking about what would happen if someone would stumble upon me. I also spent a good amount of time tying myself up with rope that was left over from hay bale binding. We always had a ton of it in the barn, and nobody would notice if a few meters were missing, it was going to be thrown out anyways!
On a stranger note, I also had a soldering iron in my room (nerd stuff I know) but I would use it to make a few toys outside of more scholastic projects. Once I took a handful of vibrating elements that were designed to be used in mobile phones, wired them up in series and attached them to a battery pack. I then taped the vibrators all over my cock and balls and tied my hands behind me. Got a good number of hands-free orgasms that way! I’ve always been a little adventurous, and creative when I get super horny, and I guess that just evolved into even more interesting situations!
Sounds like a very experimental youth. 🙂 But the desire of being watched while doing sexual action is really something you have to tell us more about. What age did you have, and what was for you the attraction of this imaginary audience?
That’s a good question, and one that I think I’m still trying to answer for myself. I guess that it’s mostly the fact that having an audience for something that I was taught to be intimate and private was subversive and exciting. To be so exposed and vulnerable made me scared, which just made my dick harder! I think I started doing things like that at the age of 15 or 16? Later on there was also the feedback that I would get in online environments, people telling me that I’m hot or desirable in some way. Ego-boosting and exciting at the same time! How could one not love that?
Probably because not all of us are as an exhibitionist as you are? So is it the positive feedback you want, or has the negative and humiliating feedback also his attraction?
I think so, yes. It’s difficult to say how many people are into the idea of being exposed online or in person like that, but having the desire to do it and actually doing it are two different things. I don’t think that it’s too uncommon of a kink, but it is for sure one of my more prominent ones. I think that it is probably the praise that I get off to the most. Being demeaned for showing off as much as I do can be hot as well, especially if it’s framed around how crazy and dumb it is to expose that much of myself. Even in this interview, I’m sure that there are people that could piece together who I am, which is kind of risky and hot to me! While I have absolutely no desire to be outed to friends and family, it is fun to toy with that as a fantasy, I guess!
Perhaps being humiliated in the kink context is harnessing that public scorn and reticule that an exhibitionist act would receive in the real world.
You’ve been talking about the pleasure of playing with the risk to be caught, but you didn’t really tell us about the attraction of humiliation.
Well, it seems to be the closest thing to getting caught! It’s the public recognition that what I’m doing is abnormal, and would be considered wrong. Perhaps being humiliated in the kink context is harnessing that public scorn and reticule that an exhibitionist act would receive in the real world. That feeling of being seen, and being interacted with in a space that one should not be in is an aspect that I really get off it. It’s crossing that line and being berated for being such a degenerate slave to my own horniness that not only can I not hide it, but it demands to be seen!
Even living in the mountains, the little innocent exhibitionist has had to have realized that San Francisco is quite close. When did you start to visit gay places in the city?
Well as any queer person in California (or maybe the world for that matter) knows, the Castro District in San Francisco has an amazing history as well as being the modern hub for gays in the city. I think that I first made a few trips up there after getting Grindr around the age of 16 or 17 and realizing that there weren’t any gays in the mountains (or at least gays that I wanted to meet up with)! I ended up getting a fake ID the summer between my junior and senior years of high school and spend the majority of the weekends in the city, usually sticking to the Castro area.
The club bouncers didn’t seem to care one bit about my obviously horrendous excuse for an ID and let me in anyways! I ended up meeting a college student up there, and we kind of banded together for that summer and got into all sorts of trouble! Sometimes it was a little scary, and naïve little me got into some bad situations, but I survived. Overall, I think that it was a rather uncalculated way to get into the vanilla gay scene, and I definitely made mistakes along the way. I can’t say that I got into anything too kinky at the time, I was more interested in fooling around in this giant new playground that I had discovered!
You got into all kind of trouble? What kind of troubles have that been and what did scare you?
Not necessarily just hot stuff, if that’s what you’re asking. For sure plenty of sex things, orgies, parties, lots of drugs and things like that. But that’s kind of just how the Castro operates to some degree, for better or for worse. On the harsher end, I didn’t really expect there to be people who would not have my best interests in mind or even try to take advantage of me. I definitely got myself into situations that I don’t like to talk about outside of a therapist’s office. But most of these things were a long time ago now, and I try to learn as much as I can from them instead of letting them tear me down. I took a break from the Castro and things like this for a while, even before COVID in order to try to re-center myself.
Now, exploring the kink scene in the bay has taken my interests. Thankfully, I operate with a lot more caution now-a-days. I’ve also found that counter to what many people outside of that kinky sphere would think, even though we enjoy doing super risky and sometimes dangerous stuff; the people that occupy that space have always made me feel heard, understood, and safe. That’s much, much more than I can say about some other experiences that I’ve had in the “regular” gay world of SF.
My kink experiences have allowed me to have a new outlook not only on my sexuality, but my life as a whole.
Ok, now you’ve really made us curious. What have been your first steps into the kink scene?
I’ll actually credit my partner for that. Shortly after we met in 2019, we ended up going to the Folsom Street Fair together. He had made it clear that he was kinky and had experience before meeting me. I should also mention that he is five years older than me, and had been on Recon and had met up with well-known kinky people for quite a few years.
He introduced me to chastity, which I found to be really hot, and we kind of just explored each other’s kinks from there! We experimented for another year and a half before I learned that there was a kink club at the university that I attend. I think from there I was made even more aware of the fact that I had been living in the proverbial Mecca of kink all this time! I then dove head-first into it and met up with a variety of Doms and other folks around the bay, trying to get a feel for what is out there.
All-the-while learning more about myself and how I fit into the grander scene of the Bay! I’ve found the community to be something truly special. The quality of communication required for kink is unique and powerfully effective. I think that it has not only helped me in learning about myself and assisted in my exploration, but has also started to heal me a bit from prior experiences. The folks that I’ve encountered have helped me remove a lot of fear and jaded-ness that I’ve accumulated over the years, and has allowed me to have a new outlook not only on my sexuality, but my life as a whole.
You’re totally right if you talk about the quality of communication in the community. I think it is also that everyone of us know how difficult it can be to accept the own desires which seem to be so weird in the “normal” world. The problem of young guys stepping into the kink world is, that there are also many assholes around, just seeing fresh meat if they detect a youngster. A guy without experience, an easy trophy to take advantage of. Have you never had such experiences?
That’s actually something that I was very, very warry about when I decided to get into it. I had enough run-ins with guys just looking at me in that way, and I kind of knew what to look out for. I purposefully contacted people that were well-known within the community and made sure to have a long online discussion that included a lengthy negotiation before deciding to meet up. Sure, there were plenty of guys who reached out to me after seeing my photos on Recon or wherever, but the vast majority of them were turned down. At this point, I think I can sniff out what someone is looking for. If they just want to use my body and get off, that’s fine or whatever, but not the only thing that I’m looking for. I want to have real, mutually beneficial relationships with people. I could get any guy from the Castro to spank me a few times and call me a “fag” before they fuck me in a disappointingly tender fashion; but where’s the fun in that? I just don’t see the value in half-assed one-offs anymore (if there ever was any in the first place). That’s also the reason that I tend to look for more experienced Doms. They tend to be older and over the jovial and sometimes blinding thrill of getting a nice piece of ass. I feel like there’s something more to work at, something more to have fun with. I’m also extra wary of subbing for inexperienced guys because I’m new too, and don’t need to be hurt in a way that turns me off from the whole thing entirely. I’d just rather not take that chance, so I don’t! But I am aware of people that have made that mistake, and have walked away from it a lot more scars than just disappointment. The stakes are higher, so you have to make sure that you make your choices carefully. I’ve found myself sticking to groups that have a good reputation and have some form of internal check system, like the 15 Association. While I have very limited experience, I think that a fraternal space like that holds a lot of the stability that I seek out.
How did your kinky needs develop in the last 3 years?
I think that they have developed more as desires and fascinations rather than explicit needs. I wouldn’t say that they are particularly necessary in order for me to get off. My partner and I have vanilla sex from time to time that doesn’t involve any kink play. When it comes down to it, I have recognized how much I like to be controlled, ordered around and used. Perhaps it’s the ultimate vice in that manner, a sublime escape. Just having everything about you stripped away and put to work as just an insignificant cog in someone else pleasure. You get tucked away in a headspace that is safe and coddled. You have no worries, you have no concerns, all you have is what is told to you and done to you. It’s counterintuitively relaxing in a way! I think that over the last three years I’ve realized the place for that in my life, kink’s ability to open avenues for pleasure, learning, and healing. It’s just something that I’ve learned is a part of who I am and my life. And that maybe, yes, I do need it.
I often say that to be a sub/slave is, even if you have to follow orders, doing jobs, satisfying others, at the end mentally the most extreme shape of a consumer mentality. You just have to act and to enjoy but you don’t have to worry about anything. You’re safe, there is a guy taking care of you, you’re protected, so you just can do what you want to do: To serve!
To describe that as a consumer mentality is a very interesting take. I think that it makes a lot of sense in describing that relationship. It does take power to give up all control in that manner, but once you’re there, it’s difficult to leave! It is like you are plugged into a channel and you have no choice but to take everything that comes at you. Taking pleasure in that is something that comes naturally to me. It’s a fantastic dynamic that takes a lot of trust and understanding in both parties. I’ll definitely take “consumer mentality” as a descriptive term with me into the future.
So, if we talk about the consuming site we have also to mention the assets a good slave has to have beside his cute ass and a hungry mouth. What are the characteristics which make you a good sub/slave?
That’s assuming that I am a good slave! I am very much still in need of training both of my holes as well as my protocol. I think that the main aspect that I have going for me is my eagerness both to learn and to be used! I try my very best to be as good of a slave as possible, and I get genuine pleasure and joy from serving my masters. I don’t think that I can say that I am a good slave, for one I don’t think that’s my place to say, and two, I don’t think that I have had enough training!
Soon we’ll talk about Nates’ needs and desires. Read it on KINKFINITY!